With TV Came Happiness

I have been holding off on this whole post for a while, once again, out of pure laziness. Big posts make me sad and I can only get in the mood every once in a while. But I’m giving it a go now. So here are a lot of ‘em.

90210 finally showed up again after two weeks of reruns. I really like the Adriana character and her crying weird craziness last episode was the only time during the shows run thus far that I felt a damn thing for any of the characters. On a die note, the CW is going to do a new Melrose Place now too. Bring back Sydney! We never saw her die. So it could have all be a ruse.

I have given up on South Park and Kath & Kim. Eli Stone is just blah now as I said before. I’m still DVRing it. But for what reason? Desperate Housewives is sucking up a storm. Mrs. McClusky kicks ass and I am glad they are spotlighting her. They got rid of Cloris Leachman so I am not watching Dancing with the Stars anymore.

Entourage finally got its ass back to a quality place. they had to drag us through this shitter for a while, but now its finally back to square one. I’m also very happy that Dana Gordon got the studio head job because that bitch deserved something awesome to happen to her. Look! There she is! To the left!

Damn. Obviously, TV has fucking sucked like a tampon with ringworm. 30 Rock finally returned and I was very pleased with it once again. I missed ol’ Liz Lemon. John Hamm, AKA, Don Draper from Mad Men is going to play a recurring role on this show this season as her new love interest. Color me aroused. Also on tonight was The Office, which was good, but by no means the best episode this season. the last one was damn perfect with Phyllis trying to help Dwight out with his Andrea love issue. And then at the end when the biggest auction winner was the hug from Phyllis that everyone was vying for. That was bad grammar. Dwight had a soul for a minute there and it was all Phyllis’s doing. Holly leaving the show sucks though. They weren’t happy fellows and it was depressing when Michael cried.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is a freaking wonderful show, but the last two episodes were just B episodes. I mean they were awesome, but not perfect. The best was when we find out Charlie and Frank’s nightly sleep regime. In order to be able to sleep with all of the cats outside of their window howling, they have to eat a cup of cat food and then huff a lot of glue so that they can immediately pass out. Here is the lovely “Sweet” Dee Reynolds hating a baby as much as she should.

I think I hate all things now. I’m not really feeling House lately. Am I dying? What’s wrong with me? I loved the House and Cuddy kiss but everything else could suck on my vagina. Little Britain has been just sorta alright. We did get to see sucked up dog lady which was nice. Degrassi is doing sorta well I must say. What else do I even watch anymore? One Tree Hill is still going on. I enjoy watching it when its on but when I’m not watching it, I don’t care about it. I have the same problem with Dirty Sexy Monkey. He’s filthy.

Finally is my favorite show which is most likely gone, Pushing Daisies. this episode was so great. We witnessed the return of Simone, the controlling dog owner/love interest to Emmerson. She adds so much whenever she is on. Maybe it’s the British accent though. We also found out that Ned has twin half brothers who are magicians and it was rather cute when they met him for the first time. The best lines of the night were when Ned said “Do you shiver when you pee?” and a little later when Chuck said “It doesn’t give me the piss jitters”. My nickname in 4th grade was “piss jitters”. See Christine Adams as Simone below. Now someone save this goddamn show. You can see how I feel about the other shows I supposedly like. I need the one that actually means a damn thing.

I have decided to make myself a little top 5 current TV shows list. In order: Pushing Daisies, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Mad Men, Psych, The Office/30 Rock. So there are only six definite, best things on TV shows. What a sad, sad world in which we live.

I’m a very sad pony now that Mad Men has completed its second season. Someone give me a hug so I can stab you in the back. That’ll get my juices flowing again.Let me start off by saying, thank god, Betty finally had some random sex! Her husband had been having affair after affair for two seasons and she finally had one of her own with the hottest dude she could possibly have ever had sex with. I’m terribly jealous. Why can’t I sleep with Ryan McPartlin? Is it because he’s straight or because he’s married? Yes. Those are the only two reasons. Look how ugly he is.

Anyways, much happened besides hot blonde sex. Peggy told Pete she had his baby and have it up for adoption, The Cuban Missile Crisis hung over everyone’s heads, Betty found out she was pregnant and wanted an abortion, Don and Betty got back together and he company merged with a British company as we are told by the awesome ass Lois, located below us. Following that is The Simpsons’s spoof on Mad Men’s opening. Now all I can do is crawl in a hole and cry for the next nine months to a year awaiting season three.

Here is the less beloved Disney Film, Bedknobs and Broomsticks. It sounds a little sexual, I know. Knob, stick, bed…broom? Sexy. I loved this movie as a kid. For some reason I liked it more than Mary Poppins. I was always a backwards individual. Clothing attacking people is cool. There is nothing better than a little boy getting suffocated by an errant bonnett and then getting kicked in the face by a disembodied leg.

It’s that time again and I don’t mean time to use contractions because it’s always time for contractions. Laziness. Comics came yesterday and yours untruly was making an apple cobbler so he/me/I couldn’t be bothered. Today is another day and below you can see the spoils of war.

Jack of Fables had some killing and a man made out of fruit named Man O’ Fruit, surprisingly. Poor, poor Robin Page was stabbed to death by a Knifejohn. You’ve heard of those right? I have. They are kind of a cross between Edward Scissorhands and Jack The Ripper. The Knifejohns then all “developed a horrible case if instant pneumonia and died”. Man O’ Fruit was with his many allies including Lindy-Lou, the Pragmatic Cat and Metzger Moose (With His Astonishin’ Juice). Circular reasoning occurred when the March Hare and Mad Hatter decided since the enemy of your enemy is your friend, then the friend of your friend must be your enemy. The Mad Hatter then declared “I suppose we’d best kill dormouse then, while we’ve got him unawares”. I am a believer in circular reasoning as well. That is why sooo many of my friends end up missing.

Secret Invasion X-Men was pretty blah. I mean stuff happened and it is good to see the entire army of X-Men functioning as a unit but who cares. The X-titles haven’t been doing since hot lately. They used to be my favorites. Just let me write one, with the interesting less used bastards.

Wolverine: Vag Origins continued the Original Sin from X-Men Legacy. I don’t much like this storyline besides the inclusion of the Hellfire Club. So, villains good. Heroes bad. Too bad Wolverine killed that lion man. He looked cool. And hopefully Robotman isn’t dead. At least lady with white hair and electricity powers doesn’t bite it. She seems very quality. Random unnamed bad guys get a lot of screentime. Especially the prone, semi-naked one above.

Avengers: The Initiative was the issue I was looking most forward to and I was a bit disappointed. It’s probably because Thor Girl was revealed to be a Skrull. I liked her. Mother Fuckers! And Devil Slayer may or may not be dead. Mother Fuckers! Don’t do bad things to characters I like. It was still a very well don’t issue even thought the contents made me sad in my heart.

X-Force sort of happened. This here be 3/3 X-Men books this week that were just eh. The team grew larger with the addition of Domino who is unimportant to you. They fucked Vanisher up a lot and Elixir gave him an “X” shaped tumor on his brain. Meanwhile, the only cool event, Warpath was attacked by the Demon Bear, a fucked up magic bear that kills family members. And boy did that mother fucker look cool. Can someone buy me a scanner? I want to scan this shit.

Secret Invasion Thor was pretty boring as well. Thor had all of Asgard crush the bitch Skrull into a thick goo. The only great thing was my sudden excitement regarding Beta-Ray Bill returning to space because I want him to be in the new space epic, War of Kings so bad my testicles are singing. Beta Ray Bill can be seen chilling on the left side.

Marvel Apes was sortsa blahy. It wasn’t that great of a series. At the end, the only thing that changes the regular universe is a new lame hero with a Mexican lucha mask and weirdly, Monkey Speedball now exists. I like Monkey Speedball. The best stuff about this miniseries were the backup stories with the drunk monkey watcher and the watcher watcher. It was amazingly stupid. Especially when the monkey watcher made a pass at the reader and said how much he was hating Secret Invasion.

Nova kicked as much ass as it always does. Quasar is back sorta. He’s now an energy being and you can see him turning into The Hulk in some gold energy form. He has to go back into his deal so he can recharge though sadly. But that mofo will be sticking around for wooot. Now he can have gay sex with the Living Lightning. LL is a mo’ and since they were stuck in a space station for years together, something had to have occurred. Now that they are both energy beings they can have electro-sex. The end of this issue shows that Worldmind is back and it has created the Nova Corps on its own dammit. One is a fucking Shi’ar. I’m so sick of those things. Hopefully War of Kings kills ‘em all. Another is Rigellian. Give me more Rigellians. Those things are weird and creepy sexy robots.

Finally, we have Incredible Hercules. I’m loving this shit so much. Bitch chopped off her mother, Hippolyta’s head and put it on a spike. Then the bitches blew up all of the Atlanteans. By bitches I mean Amazons, so they are, in fact, bitches. So now its Herc, Namor, Namora and Cho versus the Amazons. I like this new Amazon, Delphyne Gorgon. She’s a sneaky little wiener and her hair bites people. The bitches have poor Neptune and plan on blowing his brains out. At least, so sayd some bitch in a blue mini-skirt. Whore.

As I was searching for Hollyoaks Yubes, I found out that someone was uploading every Hollyoaks episode since October 16th. I signed up on this here forum and now I can watch every goddamn one of them. It’s just like old times! I’m so happy I could shit. I just watched 6 episodes in a row. I am so cool.

Meanwhile, I now have a very new favorite in the ‘oaks as I mentioned a bit earlier. Her name is Cindy Cunnningham and she is just plain awful. She has an 8 year old kid, but doesn’t ever seem to be watching her, which I find endearing. She cozies up to people sexual for monetary gain. Not to say she’s a prostitute, shes not. Shes just sneaky, which is best. Whenever she does anything she moves ungulates her entire body around like shes trying to show someone her breasts constantly. Here is a special clip where she acts like such a slunt. She’s the brunette freak in the green. Up top we can see her most likely up to no good at an auction. A gold digger at an auction is always going to be bad news. She did some amazing stuff on the oaks but I am unable to find Yubes of the goodness. She takes over someone pub and puts a glamor shot of herself up by the bar. She calls her sister “so class one bitchy” and when she is told she is a zero, she looks at her body and says “You aren’t far off that” in regards to her dress size. Your petty remarks mean nothing to the likes of her.

Brought to we by Lime Pictures, The Channel 4 and Polio. P-O-L-I-O.

I heard Grindhouse was an idea that really really sucked and that one half was about 80 times better than the other half. I am watching that “better” half, a zombie movie called Planet Terror with Rose McGowan, Freddy Rodriguez from Six Feet Under, Bruce “Boring” Williams, Josh Brolin, from the boring ass W. and Naveen Andrews off of Lost. The greatest thing about this movie is that Fergie Ferg, from awful shit fame, was quickly eaten. It was pleasurable. I am mostly just terribly bored. I don’t get the allure of this caca shit. Everyone is so “badass” and I despise “badass”. It’s too easy a role to play as an actor and when everyone is the badass, its just 40 people playing the same role with different sized wangs. Boring. So at one point a dude punches a zombie in the stomach with a gun that shoots bullets into said stomach. How “badass”. Woof. When the fuck does this end? Obviously, I am live bloggin this bull. So uh, this little boy just shot himself in the head? Whaaaaa?!? I’m always angry when all of the kids live through horror films, but this seems unfulfilled since he wasn’t killed by a zombie. It’s a little too movie of the week, kids don’t play with guns because your brains will shoot out for my taste. Meanwhile, more things happen and by more things I mean nothing of any interest to yours truly. Rose McGowan has a table leg as a leg for most of this. Rose McGowan stabs Quentin Tarentino in the face with his wooden leg. Now she has the machine gun leg like in the video below. How does she shoot with the gun? Who knows. She sure ain’t pulling the trigger. Suspension of disbelief. Damn now, this shit is just getting faggy. She flies herself over some building and shoots rockets out of it now.

This shit makes me want to need to poop right now because that would be more enjoyable. You might think I hated this movie and you would be right. But a little wrong. There was one character that was actually interesting, played by Marley Shelton. She was a lesbian nurse with some serious skills at shooting syringes at people’s eyes. She gave her child a gun so he could shoot zombies and instead he shot himself in the head. You can see her in the top of your screen lounging around on the floor. The rest of this shit makes me want to stab out my eyes, my non-existent pony’s eyes and the eyes of your very best friend, whomever that may be. Peace out. D+ film brought to you by stupidity, the letter D+, a grant from the Kellogg’s Corporation and viewers like you.

So Raggedy Ann and Andy were, of course, piles of shit that no one should have owned. But that fact changed after this horrifying and depressing film, Raggedy Ann & Andy: A Musical Adventure. This shit traumatized me as a kid. The only thing I remembered about it til the Yube just helped me out, was that the camel made me very very sad. And as six year old, this sort of shit makes you want to die. Meanwhile, when the trio of rejects meet up with the fucked up taffy pool man, things get all sorts of drug induced. He eats them and shoots shit out of his face, all the while singing some inane song. Unfortunately, he just looks like a lot of diarrhea dancing about. Though, that’s just the way it should always end.

Are there things that haunt your subconscious for 20 years that just keep nagging at you and you dont really know what they are or from where they came? I had this same issue with the movie The Mouse and his Child which is just plain miserable. The 80’s ruined my life and my brain! My parents loved showing me films that would scar me for all eternity. No wonder I’m such a freakshow.

Alvin and The Chipmunks teaches us life lessons at the same time it shows us how to be really creepy by making a cartoon with a severely deformed kid with a girl’s voice. The kids all call him Pumpkinhead and then at the end, lesson learned, all of the kids say really awful things to him in the guise of being accepting. You are worm doodoo. Oh and P.S. I’m sure his mom just loves the hell out of it. Meanwhile, Theodore has a very stupid friend.

So my favorite band, Alphabeat, of the year appeared on Graham Norton tonight on the Beebs. Watch them sing What is Happening? and be cheerful forever. I love that bitches hair and outfit. I imagine the male is a homosexual, though it may just be that he is European.

So I watched W. tonight with this weird certain jackass, hehe. It was a rather boring movie and way too long. I have to say, I loved Thandie Newton for her portrayal of Condoleezza Rice. She was a stone cold freak. I laughed at everything she said. It was great. What a damn weirdo. She had the voice of of insane mildly deformed clown. It was good times. Look at that weird smirk. It seems that Condoleezza suffered a stroke at some point.